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Are you serious about your feet and
elbows? Really serious? Well, then it’s time for you to get serious about
pumice. Because this miracle of ancient geologic upheaval is the timeless
secret to upheaving the calluses from your favorite feet. (“Mom!!!! You
never told me about pumice!!!” “Well dear, I thought you were a little
young…”)
For those of you who are thinking
pumice sounds like something your cat leaves on the carpet, here’s a quick
little geology lesson. Pumice is actually formed from the magma of an
erupting volcano. As it cools, it forms a network of gas bubbles that are
frozen with volcanic glass and minerals, leaving a lightly-abrasive
surface.
Now that we’ve shared this ancient
secret with you, you have to do exactly what we say—it’s a trust thing.
Okay? Eliminate all thoughts of loofahs, medicated pads, steel wool,
60-grit sandpaper, and those clever scraper blades designed just for
callouses that tear your fingers to shreds when you put the blade in (and
then proceed to do the same to your heels, elbows, and any other horny
body part with which they get up close and personal). Having thereby
purified yourself, proceed to pick up your Baudelaire Pumice Stone and
initiate yourself into the true abrasive miracle that is pumice.
(Actually, a little foot soak before and a little lotion after the fact
might help also.)
While you’re lightly abrading
yourself, you’ll be pleased to learn that, in Greek Mythology, pumice,
“Kienpie” to its friends, was formed during the unification of Vulcan and
Venus, the Goddess of Beauty. Yow! Talk about sparks flying! The ancients
knew that when your favorite God and Goddess go to all that trouble to
present you with a mythological gift, it’s got to be good for something.
After much trial and error (yeah, they tried eating it, but let’s not go
there) those clever Grecian fellas found the formula—i.e., pumice was
ideal for removing callouses and other dermatological imperfections. The
Mayans also gathered pumice, or “Hux Tunich,” and used it to clean animal
skins; that’s why their animals never had callouses!
Now that you’ve opened a large space
in your heart (and a small one in your budget) for this miracle of ancient
geology, use it regularly, and always say a little prayer of thanks to
your favorite deity (or your friends at Baudelaire) for letting you in on
the hidden secret of smooth skin. Because, while feet and elbows may not
be particularly pretty, they are reputed to be erogenous zones for the
truly trendy, as well as useful for other, more everyday, functions.
You should be aware, however, that
the pumice market is peopled with pernicious purveyors who simply pile up
any old gray matter, mix it with glue, and want you to rub it on your
feet. Yuck! Our pumice is hand-picked on the beaches of the Yucatan. We
know…you’re thinking: “Is this any way to make a living? Picking pumice by
the seashore?” Well, it sure is for our secret source. Rumored to be an
ancient sage of the geologic persuasion, he wanders the Yucatan shores,
selecting only those stones that speak to him in voices that only folks
like him (and we!) ever hear.
How do you know that you are holding
a true Baudelaire Pumice Stone? Well each one is unique, but, most
important of all, they float! Go ahead…try that with your pumice stone.
The artificial ones don’t.
So, dear friends, in the words of the ancient sage…while everybody,
indeed, must get stoned, only a select few are worthy of being pumiced.… |
